Hi Everyone, I've been lurking around here for a while and finally got the courage to post to the blog about my problem and hoping to get some kid of self-insight into what I'm going through just by writing this out.
I met my girlfriend a little over 8 months ago and we've been together since then. She's amazing, loving, funny, sexy, simple awesome and wholesome. I've never expected I'd meet someone that can make me happy as much as she does. She's also beautiful as you can tell by these photos.
With that said, I have to say that before her I've been only with two other girls. So I'm not exactly the ladies man or anything. I just consider myself your average nice guy that mostly has fallen into the friend zone for few times except those two past relationships and then came my wonderful gf! I'm 31 and my current gf is 27 by the way...
At the beginning of our relationship we were not committed, and by that I mean mostly she was not. I was pretty much hooked since our first date! She told me that she had a very bad breakup with her ex and that she wants to take things slow as her heart wasn't totally over it yet.
So she would go on dates sometimes, she'd tell me when she's out and of course it bothered me but at that time we were not serious so I tried to put it off my mind. I asked her not to tell me any details about her dates, just let me know when she's not available.
After a couple of months or so we got more serious, we really liked each other so much, spent more and more time together, and then she decided to be honest with me and told me that she feels bad for seeing other people but she's been with her ex for few years and that he introduced her to the swinging lifestyle and they've been doing this for over 2 years before they broke up. She said that it was mostly sexual for her as she's highly sexual and has always been adventurous and swinging allowed her to satisfy her sexual fantasies.
She mentioned that she had always been "weird" and that got her into a lot of situations where she was used by many of her ex's but as she grew up she managed to separate emotions from sexual desires but the older she got the kinkier she got and her last ex made her indulge into extreme sexual experiences like swinging, sex parties, even gangbangs! And she got addicted to the sex.
After they broke up, she just used adult dating sites to find hookups to get over him, she doesn't even remember all the guys she slept with but when she met me we instantly clicked and she allowed herself to fall in love again. But now she doesn't feel like I would be ok with her lifestyle so she told me that she's really cutting down on her sexual encounters but she's still not over this addiction yet and it's up to me if I'm not ok with that, but it'll break her heart but she'd understand my decision.....
I don't know what happened, but when she was telling me this I felt this deep pain in my stomach, I didn't know what to say or what to do, I like her, heck I even love her, I know she's emotionally faithful to me. But I know sooner or later she'd fuck some stranger or an ex hookup and I cannot tell her no...It was painful but for some reason we ended up fucking like there was no tomorrow. Between tears and moans we fucked this awkwardness off...
Later into he morning I told her I love her very much and yes it bothers me but if it's something she needs time to work on I'll be ok with that as long as she let's me know when she's seeing someone and that she'll always stay safe... I asked her not to tell me any details and to clean up if she's seeing me the same day.
We stayed like this for a couple of months before moving in together 3 months ago. Things have been going great so far, she's definitely not doing this as often as she used to now. But still happens from time to time.
Now the strange thing is I often find myself getting aroused terribly knowing she's going to fuck someone, sometimes I masturbate on it when she's away then I feel shitty afterwards, but as soon as she comes home we fuck like animals!
I am also ashamed to say that few times I found myself masturbating and licking her used underwear after she threw it in the laundry after a hot date... A couple of times they still had wet cum in them and it turned me on like I never felt before! It was insane!
I became more curious about her sex life, I do wanna ask her, I even fantasize about her getting fucked by others sometimes and I feel bad about it.
I love her so much and definitely don't wanna lose her. I know she loves me too, and I am afraid to ask her about it or tell her I wanna see it and I want her to do it more...It looks like it could end up bad for our relationship like what happened with her ex....
So Yeah! I have no clue how to deal with this. If you ever met her you'd she that she looks so innocent that you'd never think she's that sexual and I really wanna build a life with her because other than her sexual adventures, she's an amazing partner and I never connected with someone like I did with her.
Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to give you a full picture of the situation and thanks for reading, this does make me feel better.