This isn't the sexiest of stories. I have sexy stories. Many of them. But I wanted to talk about more.. 'real' side to all of this.
I, like a lot of cuckolds have internalized anxiety resulting from childhood infidelity, and anxiety in my masculinity. I won't go into the whole play by play with that. But let's just say that while I got over a lot of that stuff, it's forever changed my sexuality.
I have had this fetish for a LONG time. Probably about 16-17 years.
In high school, I was in serious relationships. But I had no trouble attracting girls. In college, I slept around. I've slept with roughly 30+ women in my life. Older, younger, 2 at once, 3 at once, been the 'other guy' in 6 MFMs. White girls, black girls, asian girls, an array of hispanic women. A girl that was a model and BBWs. I hooked up at house parties, picked up at bars, school, work, and internet.
My wife was a bit of a slut too. In fact, that's kind of one of the reasons I was attracted to her to begin with. Though I had this fetish way before her.
I'm going to speak about my relationship for real. I'm not playing up this fantasy. My wife and I have fun in the bedroom. It might sound like I'm talking this up bc my situation fits this fantasy a little too well but the reality of it... is, lets say.. harsher than any fap-worthy story.
Nothing I can say can really communicate to someone what fantasy jealousy is that spurs on this kink, and what that pit in your stomach is. That.. shame, jealousy and angst are for real. It runs deeper even when some of that "submissive" or humiliating stuff, just isn't fantasy. It's rooted in truth.
It runs deep and it takes some introspection and some after-care with your wife to get through it. You watch the porn, you read the stories, you imagine your wife getting railed. But until it happens, you don't realize that it's just not another cock fucking your wife. It's another person. And chances are that other person might be hotter than you, more charismatic than you, bigger than you, longer lasting that you, richer than you. Or any combination of these things.
He's flesh, blood, organic, and he's not some mere toy that you put back in the drawer when you're done. He's a person. And that can feel VERY threatening in a way that this fantasy doesn't convey when it's just a fantasy. The jealousy .. becomes more than this thing funneled through your sexuality. It's real.
My wife and I have a good, productive, but complicated sex life. The good? I'm the only guy to make her cum from going down on her. She loves to blow me. She likes giving head in general though. She loves for me to beat off on her. She loves footjobs, loves inviting me to sex by waiting for me in bed with heels on.
It's taken work for us to get to where we're at, one on one.
In the beginning of our relationship, it was hot, passionate, etc.. but we quickly found within the year that both of us have some incompatibilities. She for one, isn't submissive in a BDSM way, but she needs a man to take her, tell her what to do. She's rarely been one to take initiative, she's rarely been one to introduce something new.
I'm a switch - I can be both dominant and submissive, but I'm probably more submissive. I'm also a 1000s more kinky than I think my wife is comfortable with. My sexuality though is often very...chameleon like. Much like my personality out of the bedroom. I tend to go with the energy and flow of a situation. I feed off other people. So .. with a woman who.. more or less, wants to be taken and doesn't show much initiative .. she doesn't even really express how sub she is or how much she wants something really... or at least, didn't for a long time, I would fall into lulls of paralysis. Neither one of us making a move for long periods of time.
It took a lot of work for us to a good place, lots of long talks, some tear filled fights too, lots of pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone.
To make matters worse... I'm a fairly thin guy down there. I'm only about 5 inches. I know, and I knew for a LONG time that I was not big enough for her. But i'm big enough to get the job done. Just .. not what she'd prefer. I'm also fairly thin and I've always been FAR too thin for her. It would take years of us talking about this kink of mine before she'd admit what I already knew.
My wife's pussy, internally, is shaped in a way that rubs my cock in a way that makes me cum very..very easily. I've tried it all...supplements, prescriptions, numbing agents, months and months of practicing while edging to make myself last longer. What's worse - is that ever since getting pregnant and even after the baby, she's been wetter and warmer than ever which just feels so amazing.. and I can't hold off. I'm talking, I last 1-5 min at best. This last year, it's usually a minute.
We've found I last longest in the missionary position. Which is nice.. but it gets a little boring after a while If we switch it up... she has to be prepared for the fact I cum faster. If we go at it doggystyle, I literally last ..a handful of strokes. I don't even fully penetrate her b/c I'm 5 inches and she has so much pussy and even then I spill so quickly it's not worth mentioning. Doggystyle fucks are charity fucks for me.
Even missionary, without a lot of foreplay and me trying very hard to mentally not be "there", I will typically cum before her. Which means I lay there and smash her with my floppy until she gets off.
What's even worse than all of this? She's a night person (sexually), I'm a morning/day person. I give my day everything. I work hard, I workout hard, even when I fuck around online (as you can tell by the size of this post) .. I kinda go all out. So at night, unless I'm pumped full of caffeine and alcohol.. i'm usually on the downswing.
And the icing on the cake? It took me about 10+ years to figure out my psoriasis is due to a slight gluten sensitivity. Ever have psoriasis on your dick? It does wonders for your self esteem and your desire to have sex. You certainly don't want someone blowing you. We've been through periods of being over weight, stressed out, bored of the routine. All of this gets in the way of the fireworks one wants in the bedroom.
So needless to say..we've had some issues to work through and I have a lot of insecurity in my sexual prowess.
I knew before we got into this she needed bigger, need longer lasting. She wouldn't admit it back then, but she freely does now (to tease me playfully and out of honesty). The reality is - I'm a lousy lay. It's only gotten worse with age too. I last longer, I require routine for me to last but the routine can kill the magic.
I wasn't "too small" for girls in the past. I also lasted a lot longer when I was younger. When I started having this fetish - all those submissive/humiliating things were things I had anxiety about that manifested itself sexually but they weren't entirely true. Most of those 30+ women, I made cum over and over. My long term relationships before my wife were fairly fruitful sexually and we were all happy.
But with my wife, you can tell she needs bigger than any girl I've had before. And you can tell that my abilities have diminished with time. For instance, If I fucked her doggystyle, she could (and has, when we were being playful) count outloud for each stroke and I'll cum before hitting 10. I used to be able to go again and again - but I can't anymore.
I quit smoking. I only socially drink 3-4 times a year now. I haven't used anything illegal in 10 years and never had a drug problem. I've been overweight off/on this past 10 years but I jog, I lift, I stay active with yardwork. I've even reduced my caffeine intake by 50-75%. Other than my psoriasis receeding, there's been no improvements.
I used to fantasize about all sorts of cuck things. Comparison vids, my wife dirty talking me and playing up SPH. All these things my wife could never do. She'll never emasculate me, she'll never dom me. She'll never willfully, intentionally or overtly humiliate me.
But she doesn't have to. Funny enough, as time has gone on... I wanted this less and less for me. And more and more for her.
I think my wife is fantastic, and she's a great mom too. But on some level I don't think she was ever meant to settle down and have a kid. On some level I wasn't either, but her 5x more so. I don't think our kid was a mistake, nor our marriage. Our kid rocks and we dedicate the grand majority of our time and effort to his well being and happiness. But we were always a little too debaucherous. A little too wild. Most people that knew us growing up are blown away we have corporate jobs, a suburban home, that our weekends are spent taking the kid on trips, or taking care of the yard.
I'm not miserable, but my wife...tends to get neurotic/depressed when she doesn't have some kind of outlet. She LIKED sleeping around when she was younger. She even liked cheating. She liked the newness, she liked different people showing interest in her. She liked variety. And I knew my fetish could give this back to her.
She works so hard at work. She works so hard as a mother. She bends over backwards to accommodate me and make me happy. And here I was letting her down for years in the bedroom.
So we had the talk, BEFORE pregnancy. (that's a story in of itself, I'll skip). And we played with the idea for a years - had a kid and so forth, which ..that put a dampener on our sex life even further. And then we got into this for real.
It was a MFM at first. But eventually she didn't want to "perform" for me, she wanted to enjoy herself. I wanted her to enjoy herself.. so it changed (mostly) into her going out on her own.
The guys we get with are all larger than me, they last longer than me, they get her off just with their dicks, faster than I do, and multiple times. They can flip her in multiple positions in a session, which I cannot do. They've made her walk funny, I never have. And I've never been filled with so much happiness, been so turned on at how naughty it is - but .. at least at first, I don't think I can explain the jealousy.
I thought I was over being the jealous type. I certainly seemed to see myself as having a bit more stability and "being ok with it" all than a lot of people I read about. But .. when it's real, when you see she gets more primal over it great sex with someone else, when she's texting a new guy back and forth while we watch tv on the couch.. when you see in person (being there, video, peaking through the door) that she's shown initiative to blow them (she loves sucking on really large cocks almost more than sex.. her juices run down her thighs almost like a flood when she's sucking cock). She's met guys at her lunch break JUST to blow them in their car and you could see a spring in her step, like it satisfied her like a great shag afterwards. She meets them and is unzipping their pants, undoing their belt. She really wants it. You can tell she hungers to be fucked by them. She's excited to get ready for dates, she comes home with a smile you couldn't wipe off her face. The reality is ... it was subtle sometimes, not so other times.. but she acts differently when a dick really does it for her. She moans deeper, louder, she fucks them back harder. With me she becomes..reserved, afraid that anything extra she does will throw me over the edge. With other guys, she gets to let loose, and she gets to lose herself in the moment.
And to see it really made me feel like shit, usually after I got myself off.
If we had a threesome, I usually would have to stay off to the side, holding her hand, holding her legs apart, letting her blow me or jerk me (I don't cum so fast that way). I generally wouldn't fuck her until they were well done with each other and by that point I'd be so excited I'd cum... in front of some guy who just did what I physically CANNOT, in like a minute or two. You want to talk about angst? You want to talk about humiliation? Spill your seed dipping your dick in your wife for 30 seconds in front of a guy who just turned her out for 45 minutes.
But the important thing was for us to keep re-connecting. Assuring ourselves. Pacing ourselves and giving me space to process it all. The thing I had to ask myself was this:
Do I still think this fetish is really hot and does it still turn me on to the point I want to continue?
Does her pleasure have value to me, regardless of my ego?
And the answer was yes. While I got into this b/c I thought it was hot, the reality is I love my wife and if it makes her happy.. it makes me happy. And yes, I still wanted this fetish to continue b/c it got me off too.
Learning to manage that jealousy took us talking, us having sex, her rewarding me sexually, her spending time with me. In many ways, it brought us closer together, it has made both of us happier.
She dresses so much prettier day in and day out now. She watches her weight 100x more than she did before. We have sex MORE than when we first go together. And it's freer. She blows me, she jerks me and tells me about her dates, she has become more secure in the bedroom about things she was insecure about herself.
And the BEST part? While I make her cum with my fingers, mouth or toys - when it comes to sex.. there is literally NO PRESSURE to get her off anymore. We've gotten to the point where she wants me to let go, to show me how much I want her and just take her - the results of my behavior be damned. And I cannot express, I really can't - I could cry over this if I thought about it too much, how happy, freeing, and generally being releived that I'm no longer this angsty asshole trapped by short comings I literally cannot change about myself.
Even if she see's others alone, I'm probably more involved with her sexually in one way or another, than we ever have been. I'm part of the process. At no point have I been pushed to the side. I help her get ready, I buy her clothes to fuck in, we tease/denial, I lick her out while she browses dating sites, we have better sex where I no longer have the pressure to be anything more than what I am because she's getting what she needs. She has even been more receptive and inviting of me being a little pervert.. she likes me jerking off in her panties and finding them later (for instance). It's all around just opened us up in a good way. We tease/flirt more often. We go to bed more often cuddling and holding each other. I'd say in a given 7 day week, we probably have at least 5-6 sexual interactions of some sort or another, every week.
We all fantasize that our wives are going to get someone better, bigger, longer lasting. Better than we are.
But when that REALLY happens, when it's not a fantasy anymore... you realize just how much your ego and self worth are wrapped around some delusion that you are superior to everyone else. You might be insecure, you might hate yourself sometimes, but there's still this little delusional voice in your head that's trying to protect your self esteem that's denying everything you know is wrong with you. And exploring this... smacks whatever is making that voice around like a crack addicted whore.
There's a lot in Eastern philosophies concerning ridding yourself of your ego in order to find some kind of peace or zen, if you will. And I think for a cuckold to be successful, he needs to follow a path similar to that. Or at least, I had to.
You have to realize that your strength of your relationship with your wife - even your sexual relationship , runs deeper, has a trust/chemistry, than any relationship she could have with someone else. That has value, that has meaning. It means more than having the biggest dick, it means more than getting her off the hardest or fastest or the most.
I literally cannot be the man she needs in bed.
And I need her to be happy and fulfilled in that way. I makes me miserable when she is not, no matter how delicate and kind she is to me about it all.
People will say non-monogamy isn't to fix relationship problems - and if the problem was something that could be fixed by communication then i'd agree.
But cuckoldry can fix this. And it has for us, for years.
It made my wife happier. It turned me on. But most of all, we reconnected and can now work around certain problems. Certain things aren't purely my responsibility anymore, and.. I suppose once you push past about how the rest of the world would view this, how everyone teaches and tells us how it's SUPPOSED to work, once you shake off how you've internalized that emotionally, it's like taking a 100 ton weight off your shoulders.