So a big "hi" to all. Anyone that's ever dated me knows that cuckolding would never be something I'm interested in because I've never been the sharing type. This is known. BUT things have changed recently.
I (29) got stationed in Japan at the end of last year and the plan was for my fiance (22) to move here around April so she could continue working and getting things done in the states. Up until this point we have had a few hiccups in the past 3 years with her texting and seeking attention from other guys. We had gotten in arguments about it and I stopped trusting her for the most part. Even despite this, we had a great relationship. I quickly moved on and forgave her, trying to put it in the past.
Around February she abruptly broke up with me. No explanation, nothing. This was incredibly strange and I was left broken. Her friend told me that she was interested in a guy she worked with and had been since she started. She also told me that she felt guilty staying with me while she had these feelings. I finally started to move on which scared the shit out of the ex fiance because she expected me to stick around and wait for her to be done "having fun". We got back together and within a week, was told by a friend he saw her with another guy.
Her and I got into a huge fight and she finally confessed that she had slept with two guys, one while we were back together. She also told me about other dates and how she would have slept with another if she wasn't on her period at the time. I became infuriated. I despised her, and I was jealous, and I couldn't believe she would act like such a fucking whore. She has anxiety and self esteem issues (which is strange because she's fucking gorgeous) and explained that she needs attention from men. Not having me physically there causes her needing the attention of someone. Needing a dick inside of her.
I was disgusted. I made her admit that she still wanted to fuck her coworker. I made her tell me every single detail. How much bigger his cock was, how good it felt, how he threw her on the bed and ripped her clothes off, how he pounded her pussy. How he pushed her against her car at work and fingered her. I was fuming, and I was also hard as a fucking rock.
We started sexting and I would make her tell me details while I masturbated. We would FaceTime and I would make her tell me how bad she wanted two cocks inside of her and how much of a worthless little slut she was. She was fucking surprised and freaked out at first that I was getting off on this. So was I, but it felt so fucking good, like a drug. I recently came to visit and I hatefucked her and we played out sex fantasies that we had both talked about. I told her she deserved it for being a lousy, cheating whore. A fucking cum bucket. I fucked her ass with a dildo and made her admit she wished it was the coworker's cock. I made her tell me the details again and how she loves feeling other cocks inside of her. I made her tell me how she wants to be stretched out and used like a worthless, filthy whore.
We've done some fun stuff in the past, but this was a new level for me. I loved it. But when I came I felt a little weird about it. I wondered if this was healthy or not and above all I wondered if this was encouraging her to cheat on me.
This is the biggest difference between me and the average person I see in the cuckolding world. The idea of her cheating on me terrified me and disgusted me. But when I was horny it turned me on. Such a mix of emotions.
So, towards the end of my visit, I noticed things were very different with our dynamic. Our sex was better than ever but she was not all there. Not affectionate, not loving, distant, strange. She didn't seem to want me anymore. She started a big fight over something small and I finally had enough. I broke it off and told her I genuinely think we want different things. I was okay with it but she went ballistic. She had a mental breakdown and had to go to the hospital. She's dealt with depression and anxiety for quite some time and me breaking up with her sent her over the edge.
She explained that she hadn't been herself and seeking attention from other guys helped with her self esteem, but she admitted that she was disgusted with herself. She hated herself and didn't want to be this person anymore. She told me that she's willing to do absolutely anything to prove that she will stay faithful (phone logs, GPS, FaceTime) which I declined. Since then things have been seemingly good...
Except she doesn't want to talk about any of the stuff we use to. I think she's scared it will change her and make her have the same urges she did then. The only problem with this is for almost a month, I've been getting off exclusively to cuckold porn. I imagine another man's cock pounding her little pussy and sometimes I talk to the phone as if it were her, "Yeah, you like that fat cock stretching you out don't you? Are you going to cum on that big dick baby? You're such a fucking slut aren't you?" It drives me crazy.
I've even convinced myself that I wouldn't mind if she cheated as long as she told me every detail while I stroke my cock. But is that how I really feel? I'm not sure.
So, I'm posting here on the blog, as a way to relive some of this, and get enjoyment without making her, "go back" to where she was. I ask myself, is this just a fantasy that should stay a fantasy? Or is this something I want to fulfill? Do I want to watch a huge cock stretch her pussy and make her orgasm?
Right in this moment, omfg yes.