My Ex Girlfriend Emasculated Me



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I met my now ex-girlfriend (for story telling purposes I'm gonna refer to her as Olive from here on out, though that is of course not her real name) when I was about 22 and she was 18. I don't think I have ever fallen so quickly for anyone before. She was outgoing, beautiful and had the best sense of humor. When we started dating I was not aware that I had this fetish. I had experimented some with gay sex and though I liked that, I've always felt that I could never be in a relationship with a man. With my girlfriend before Olive I had shared some fantasies about her being fucked by a group of strangers, but it was always clear to us that it was just a bit of dirty talk to spice things up. With Olive however this stuff became more real.

It first surfaced I think when we talked about threesomes and I admitted to being turned on by having another male present. We elaborated on that while drinking wine and getting high and I said that I thought that it would be hot to watch her being fucked by another guy, especially if he was bigger than me. Olive, being the adventurous and lovely person that she is admitted to me that during the first couple of weeks after we met she was fucking a friend of hers. And that this had last happened on a trip to a well known european city a year prior.

My memory is a bit unclear, but I think she told me this during sex, and she also added that he was much bigger than me. She also said that her ex- before that was bigger than me and that she had never been with anyone as small as me before. What was nice in that period was that we would always have a period of time were we would lie in bed and relate to each other after sex. I remember her saying in a comforting manner that even though my cock was a bit small for her liking, it felt sort of humble and gentlemanly. She also said she liked the shape of it. I thought that was comforting. Even though I was extremely turned on by the whole ordeal, I felt a bit of anxiety and it felt good to be secure about our relationship.

About a year and a half into our relationship we continued talking about taking the next step towards realizing this fantasy. I think for both of us it was about the excitement, and I think that she loved attention from other men and the idea of some sexual variation. She was beautiful and did get some attention when we were out. Oddly enough, the thing that I found the most beautiful about her was her clitoris. It's fair to say that it was well above average in size, and it would get swollen and darker of color when she got aroused. I loved making her come with my tongue. I could feel her clitoris pulsating in my mouth as she would press my head harder toward her pelvis.

But - I digress. First thing she did was giving a blow job to a guy she met at a club. I think she initially was interested and went home with him and another friend, she ended up blowing him for a bit and then she went home. I don't think they finished, from what I understood she just didn't feel like it. Which of course is totally cool. During that same time period we made a profile on a dating website for people who want to meet for sexual encounters, and at one point she met up with a guy from there.

I remember meeting her the day after her hook-up, and she telling me every excruciating detail. I loved it. The only thing she was disappointed by was him getting softer when it was time to put on the old raincoat. She wanted to fuck without a condom, from here on out, something that I was not super positive about. She never met with this guy again. Later on we met another couple. We had a full on foursome one time, and even though the woman in the other couple was hot in a super-curvy sort of way, my attention was more directed at Olive getting fucked in various places in the apartment (I know - douche bag move towards the other girl). I remember her saying when he penetrated her for the first time: "he is a lot bigger than you", I also remember making eye-contact with her when she was out of breath from taking his large dick from behind.

After a month or two-and while I was away for work during the summer, she got in touch with this other guy who was a bit older (he was in his mid to late thirties I think). Up until this point we had strict rules around us having to both agree to her seeing someone new. She sent me some messages wondering whether it was okay if she could meet up with him. I remember being reluctant, but at the same time curious and super aroused, so I said yes. And they met up, and finally she found an FwB she really enjoyed being with.

I watched them on chat that summer and I must say I really enjoyed that as well. During the fall we met up the three of us, and I watched them some and licked her while she got fucked. I also remember her having what must be the most intense orgasm I've seen her have during one of those threesomes. She was standing on her knees, sitting on my face while she was kissing him - and I presume, holding his cock. And she pressed harder, almost to the point that my jaw got dislocated. I remember her wet pussy, her quivering body and her clitoris pulsating.

We had a lot of great experiences during this time, but this is also where our paths started to diverge - I think. While I grew even more in love with her for every man she fucked, I think it did something else to her. I believe that maybe it made her feel like I was less of a boyfriend and more of a friend. Because the months that followed got really painful. I was going away on an exchange semester from my university after Christmas (to somewhere halfway around the globe), and I could begin to feel her distancing herself somewhat.

Not in an obvious manner, I don't think I saw it at the time. Anyhow, she had started breaking some of the rules (i.e. having sex with someone without checking in first). Not only did she do that, she had sex with an ex- of sorts, which we had agreed upon was a big no no. This was the week end before I left, and I could not stand the thought of losing her so I forgave her, flat out (self-effacing or self-destructive even, I know). I left for another city and she followed me to the airport and kissed each other farewell.

When I had been away for about a week she told me she had hooked up with a new guy. She gave me all the details in a hotwife-esque manner. While this was hot, and it did make me insanely aroused - this guy lived with a couple of guys I knew from school. Which was also a breaking of the rules of sorts (we had agreed upon not seeing people in this way that we knew from before). Now however, I finally grew some balls and said that I did not want her to continue seeing this guy.

Olive got a bit dissapointed by this, and tried to talk me into focusing on his large cock, and how she came when he penetrated her. I felt conflicted by this, as I was turned on while simultaneously trying to stand up for my self (which I have later realized is extremely important). I said I needed some time to think, and I was persuaded for a while but changed my mind later on. As time went by it calls from her got less frequent and she seemed more aloof.

Then came the breakup.

I think she genuinely tried to make it an easy break up - she just said that this was not right for her now and all that stuff. And I did not believe it. I pressed on and asked her if she had continued seeing this guy. She first denied it, but after insisting for a while she came clean. That moment felt horrible. As you might have guessed from this entire post I struggle with some suppressed anger. Let me tell you, when this happened the flood gates busted open and I just could not stop feeling angry and resentful for about a year.

I did a lot of stuff that was completely out of character for me - like writing Olive messages with caps lock on detailing the depth of the hatred I felt and so on. I still feel ashamed when I think about that. Partly because I probably always will care for Olive, and partly because I feel embarrassed by letting anyone see me so unhinged. I think that what made this entire ordeal so hard for me was that she had stepped over the line so many times, and I had just taken it. And the lines had gotten so blurry from being in this kink that I was a bit unsure as to where the lines actually were. I also felt that no one would understand, because duh, you let your girlfriend have sex with other men and emasculate you, what did you think was going to happen exactly?

Anyway, I got over it - eventually. And I'm in a relationship where I'm happy, and plan on not exploring this kink. I still some times think about Olive though, and wonder if it could have been different. And, I still love this fetish, I have tons of respect and admiration for the couples who make this work - and I like paying attention to what happens on this blog (for science).

K & O



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